DemiGirl Flag Colors: Pink represents femininity or womanhood. White represents agender or nonbinary identity. The gray stripes represent partial connections and gray areas.
I am a 31-year-old first-generation Filipino American and a mechanical engineer by trade. I go by the pronouns “he” or “any.” “Any” is unusual but it is difficult for me to identify as either gender. Transgender is not the right identity, as it means you identify differently from the gender you were born with. I see identity as more of a spectrum. I consider myself nonbinary and under this other umbrella called DemiGirl: someone who partially identifies with womanhood or being a girl but not fully or completely. I have some disconnect from stereotypical gender roles. I experience a mix of feminine and nonbinary gender traits. And I feel more comfortable using gender-neutral pronouns.
My identity is something I only realized within the last year, but it is not something I am unfamiliar with. I hung out with guys from primary school through middle school. Starting in high school, I watched a lot of anime and found myself drawn to shows that girls like. I’m a guy who likes some girly things and visiting feminine spaces. And that's how I carried myself for many years.
In the past year, I started questioning my gender identity. I started by getting closer to my best friend, who is a girl. We enjoyed talking about fashion, makeup, romance novels, and cute anime games. I didn’t want to be just a guest in this sphere. This is actually where I belong and where I was supposed to be living this whole time.
Once I started questioning my gender, I came to realize two things: (1) it changed how I felt about interacting with my guy friends whom I had known for so long. They would be talking about cars or tech and other stereotypical male things and I just wasn’t interested; (2) I wanted to be in the girlfriends’ corner and talk more about fashion trends and cute heels.
Because this is a new development for me, I haven't truly come out yet. I also haven’t dressed or presented more femininely when I go out in public. It's still on my mind. The only people who really know are my fiancé and my best friend. Both are really supportive, accepting, and encouraging. My fiancé is also somewhere on the transgender spectrum. She was really surprised at the speed with which I started acknowledging and changing my own identity.
I haven't yet figured out how I want to present visually, as femme leaning on binary. I don't have the wardrobe for it yet. I ordered some clothes, we shall see!
I haven’t told my parents yet. Not because they will disapprove, but because it's just easier to keep the course. I attended my grandmother's birthday recently and there was one moment where relatives were saying transphobic things. It could be an ethnicity thing or an older generation thing. It’s hard to separate.
In the near future, I will probably tell my in-person friends as most are either LGBTQ allies or identify as such themselves. I'm in a really fortunate position. I have a stable life, and people who I know will accept my identity.
One moment of personal triumph was just going to pole class. I’ve always been interested but it took a long time for me to get the courage to walk into a studio and take a class. It’s such a feminine sphere. At first, I wondered if I belonged. Secondly, I didn’t want to make other women uncomfortable with someone who was assigned male at birth. For some women, it can be intimidating to just see a guy there.
Joining pole class was a big step for me and it really accelerated my ability to accept my identity. What drew me to pole was the need to get more physically active. The other attraction is that dance is so creative, and body expression arts have always appealed to me. There's something about the flow and grace to it that is really captivating. The body ownership and feminine feeling of pole dancing are spellbinding. It's a lot of fun! I feel good about how I move and how my body feels despite my misgivings about my biological male body. You also need to trust yourself when you go into moves and perform tricks. It's quite liberating.
My sexual orientation is asexual, which is both fortunate and unfortunate. Fortunate because it hasn't changed my relationship with my fiancé. We still meet each other's needs. What is unfortunate is the challenge of not being physically female when I'm feeling feminine and reading first-person novels and not being able to identify with the bodily experiences of a woman.
One relief I have is going on Reddit and seeing other people comment on similar experiences. I don’t go out and do any pride events, I prefer to just read about other people's experiences. This has been really helpful. There are online wikis that explain trans, non-binary, and other umbrella terms—they are wonderful resources and have been a big help in finding an identity that makes sense for me.
To those going through a similar experience as I am—read lots of online sources about different identities instead of assuming extremes on one end or the other. There is a spectrum and you can fit in somewhere.
Take the time to explore, understand, and accept your identity so you can explain it to others. Coming out is a personal decision on one's journey toward self-acceptance and authenticity. You don't have to come out to everyone at once. Start with one or two people you trust and gradually expand from there.
Coming out is an act of courage and self-love. Be proud of yourself for taking this important step toward authenticity. Your identity is valid—it is a beautiful and integral part of who you are.
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